In the beginning...

It began when I was three years old. It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask for that kind of attention from my father. And it would be years later before I ever heard of "bad touch" and start to connect the dots. But by then, I was already fully groomed. 

The abuse by my father continued until I was 19. I finally broke free of him after he sent me a bible and a letter saying he had failed me as a father because he didn't bring Jesus Christ into my life. All I could remember while stinging tears dropped onto my cheeks is the number of times he told me it wasn't his fault because "the devil made me do it."

Once I reached puberty, I tried to find the love and validation from other boys in school. I would end up in codependent relationships with young boys who only wanted one thing. And I was very good at lots of those "one things." I had years of practice. 

I recently realized that today, October 2, 2025, that I have been single for the longest period of my life, because my father was my first boyfriend. Even while having boyfriends, and girlfriends, during high school and college, I was living in two worlds. One where I was a virgin until I was 17 - the fantasy life. The other was being deflowered before my 10th birthday. Even after "breaking up" with my father, the revolving door of sexual partners was just that.